nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
