theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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