I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
