I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
