I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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