remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
