the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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