Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
