Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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