: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
