the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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