YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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