last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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