You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
