I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Randomize
