i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
