I'm drive I can fine osifer
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
