my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
