i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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