What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
