i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
