I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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