is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I pour the whiskey from now on
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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