a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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