Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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