Will you blow on my dice?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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