Dude my mom stole all your condoms
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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