How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
