I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am naked and annoyed.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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