why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
