if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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