I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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