Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
