I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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