so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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