Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
