I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
