I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
