Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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