I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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