This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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