the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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