when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
