4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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