i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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