the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
