if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
