Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
