We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
