If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
